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A Brief History of Putting Balls In Places For Points

(Photo by Chad Magee)

Clay Ratcliff on Mar 10, 2019 at 9:48 am

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Sports.

Answering the age-old question men have asked since the time of the dinosaurs –

“What beats?”

What, I can only imagine, started out as two cave men trying to throw a ball shaped rock into one of nature's orifices has now turned into a multi-billion-dollar past-time... and that’s just for the CTE side of the medical industry (Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy).

SPORTS FUN FACT: 9 out of 10 deceased football players show signs of mild to severe CTE - as shown in the study published by the Journal of the American Medical Association. And that’s just the "average Joe" football player. If you were in the NFL when you were alive, your chances of showing signs of CTE are virtually 100% (99%)!

Yes. For ages, men in uniforms with inexplicably tight pants have found that new sports can arise if you simply change the shape and size of a ball and hole. The real beauty and simplicity manifests itself across the entire landscape of sports when you consider that score keeping is pretty much universal. Put the ball in the hole (or in some cases past a line), you get a point or a certain number of points. At the end of the game, the player or team with the most points wins. If I’m going to fast for you, you might be a regular player of the football variety of sport.

Beating your spouse because your favorite team lost? Now THAT’S tough! (Chad Magee)

But it isn’t just about the final score of the game, after all, you could catch that on the news. Yes! The news?! Remember, if you miss the game – the game where a bunch of grown men try to get a ball somewhere in order to score the most points – you can always just get the score later… ON THE NEWS?! Cause if there’s one thing that’s on my mind besides whose finger is on the nuclear button, its whether or not the San Francisco Jets beat the Detroit Seventy-Sixers. It’s important, and it sets an important precedence for our children. It says, “Children. News is important. We report news on important things and where ball go how many times and who beats with where ball go yay.”

“Doctors are simply failed sports stars who couldn’t hack it on the field so they took the easy way out. ”

What beats? (Ben Margot/AP)

Let’s not forget too, that kids learn how to have good sportsmanship because of sports. No better representation of this fact can be witnessed other than watching the fans of sport. They’re always very polite to one another. They never get into fights or cause city-wide riots and their relationship with their "other-team" counterparts is the epitome of dignified and respectful.

Sports teaches us how to be tough. Some doctors are trying to say that long term exposure to violent head trauma could actually result in psychotic episodes, depression or eventual death. But we have to remember that these doctors were probably sissy nerds in school, and they couldn’t manage to put a ball in any hole if they tried. Doctors are simply failed sports stars who couldn’t hack it on the field, so they took the easy way out. Whose more concerned about head trauma? Doctors or sports players? Players wear helmets. I don’t see a doctor wearing a helmet.

Sports teaches us how to be tough. (Photo11: Michael Ainsworth, AP)

If sports are so tough, why do they wear helmets? Isn’t that basically admitting, “hey, what we’re doing is more like stupid rather than tough, cause without a helmet this would literally be a blood feud”? Is padding and safety gear the thin line between rough sports and savagery? How long would the average football player last without a helmet? How long would the average football player’s wife last?

FUN SPORTS FACT:Several studies around the world have concluded that there is a significant uptick in domestic violence directly following major sporting events, particularly when the abuser’s team has lost. Beating your spouse because your favorite team lost? Now THAT’S tough!

Some say, there’s an entertainment value to sports. There’s a strategy. It’s like a chess match, and we all now how everyone likes to watch a chess match.

Some say, it’s like watching a television show or a movie. There’s drama. There’s action. I say, yes, this is true, if you watch the same television show about the same guys trying to put the same ball somewhere over and over again.

Sports have been around for throusands of years! (Unknown)

What does sport contribute to society? Here recently, the good people of Katy, Texas voted to erect the most expensive high school football stadium in the state.

Legacy Stadium, Katy, Texas. Proof that doctors were right about the CTE thing.

The price tag of Katy’s Legacy Stadium was a staggering 70 million plus, but hey, that’s okay... because education is going so well in general, I couldn’t possibly imagine anywhere else 70 million dollars might be a useful investment.

Clay Ratcliff on Mar 10, 2019 at 9:48 am

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